My Blog

I have always been a private person. Especially with my problems. I have always felt that they are mine and it is up to me to deal with them. There are very few people whom I would discuss my problems with but I don’t want them to worry about me so I don’t tell them. All they will notice is that I am a bit quiet. I try to hide even that but I’m no superman. So far I have laughed with the world and cried all alone. Quite frankly I don’t think I want to continue this way. I want to share all with someone.

Somehow my blog is my proxy friend. It helps just getting it out. Not trapping feelings any longer. Sometimes it’s nice not to be judged.

Discovery

I have a new found respect for women. I had never realised how much they put up with. Our mothers, our wives. How much more they put up with.

The last time I saw S-di I would never have imagined what she had had to bear. Somehow I thought her life was perfect. As good as it gets. A pretty young lady, with a good job and a great personality. Now I know how much pain was hidden behind that facade. And I am thankful. I feel awful that it took another’s pain for me to wake up.

Yesterday

Yesterday should have been a good day. It was even what I had expected it to be. What I had not expected was my reaction. I don’t know why I have this habit of yearning for something, and when I finally achieve it or get it, I am utterly disappointed. I think to myself – ‘well…now what?’ I hate that. Why can’t I enjoy something that I have worked for or something that I have persisted at for so long? Does this mean that I will never experience true satisfaction? Why does that thought leave me so unsatisfied?

Yesterday opened up a new channel. I am no longer apprehensive. Events will take their course.

Yesterday a point that has left me clueless was reiterated. The mantra of life is self-preservation. Yet the predominant instinct of the human psyche is denial. Why do we assume that bad things happen only to other people? We read about divorce, domestic violence, death and rape. The media plies us with images of gore and destruction. And still we assume that none of this can happen to us. ‘Stuff like this happens to other people. It doesn’t and won’t happen here.’ For the rest of our peacefully uneventful lives we will only read about bad things happening to other people. For such a smart and intelligent race, why doesn’t it sink in that these things are happening to real people?  People just like us. Who wake up in the morning and brush their teeth. People who know other people and live with loving families just like ours.

Yesterday I realised that not thinking about evil is probably what keeps us alive. The worst part is, now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Jaded

Exams are at last over! Am not particularly happy with them. But they are over and that’s really what counts. What really angers me is that we had a class test today even though our sems ended on the 30th. Quite frankly I have never given a class test so comprehensively under-prepared. Spent the whole day at the book fair (love it! love it! feel sorry for those Calcuttans who miss it each year), bought two fish for my aquarium and came back home at around nine. No time to prepare. But more importantly, I didn’t even want to pick my books up.

Fast forward to this morning. Dragged my sorry carcass out of bed and proceeded to haul it college. Teech showed up on time. And then I gave the freakiest test of my life. Teech gave us four questions. Beside the questions he wrote ‘ANY 3’. Then we yelled like there was no tomorrow. ‘Naa sir! Korbo na! Duto din!’ (‘No sir! We won’t do three questions! Give us two!’), following which he replaced the ‘3’ with a happy looking ‘2’. As we started to write he walked out of the class saying ‘Cheating korbe na’ (‘Don’t cheat’) and walked out for the duration of the test. Between 10:30 and 11:15 this morning the word cheating was redefined.

The past few days I have been tired as I have never been before. Truly jaded. My back is giving me trouble. Must do something about it.